Heh... Y'know, I'm not really one to believe in this kind of shit...

But, maybe some people arent meant to fade out of your life.
I mean, you delete their number and exactly one week later, they text you out of the blue.
They still had your number.
Then you feel like shit for deleting it.
But then you tell yourself, "Well it's not like we've talked for two months"
But it also makes you wonder:
Do they still feel an attachment, still care?

It's funny. I've noticed something. I'm like a mirror image of before, down to the relationship. And he's just doing the same thing over again...

I’m the mirror image, you’re repeating your actions

But just because I’m a mirror image, doesn’t mean i’ll repeat your mistakes.

But because you’re repeating your actions, that may mean you’ll repeat mistakes.

And where would that leave you then? Where would that leave you?

Just because I’m a mirror image, does not mean I am so much more brighter than you.

Just because I’m a mirror image, does not mean I won’t shine brighter than you.

And where would that leave you then? Where would that leave you?

After all, this mirror image doesn’t lie, but your actions did.

Random: this is the blogshpere right now

Yes, the blogsphere in gif form

I find this accurate. 

I actually find it hilarious.

While things are going to hell on my Slenderblog, my real life has pretty much never been better.

That guy who I blurted out my life story to? We're going out now. :3

We've had one "official" date and one before that where he was basically testing the waters.

We went to my school's culture fest yesterday. It was a lot of fun. The anime manga club did the caramelldansen and I we joined in, being the otakus we are. XD.
I managed to scrape my knee by sliding on the brick ground. So he decided to carry my to my car when dad came to pick us up. I was laughing hysterically.

We're gonna go see The Avengers tonight, the 7pm showing.

For those of you out there wondering if we've kissed yet, we haven't. And I don't mind, I love just spending time with him and being close to him.

I wouldn't say I'm "in love" with him, or that I "love" him per se, but he make me happy and I feel safe and comfortable around him. I guess a part of me is afraid to call it love, but I figure it's still too soon for that anyway. I mean, Monday will make our one week anniversary. XD.

I'm find with taking it slow and one day at a time, and maybe get it right this time.

Hold

'Cause I need, I need your hand to hold

To hold me from the edge

The edge I'm sliding past

Hold on to me

I've really neglected my personal haven't I? Well I have been painting and building shit - my blog isn't total bs, I do draw from my personal life - but for the set of my new school's production of Legally Blonde: The Musical.  

Yes, I did say new school. I'm all moved in with my dad, I have been for about a month. It's not exactly Neverland, but it's better than my mom's house. I don't even want to go into why I had to move out of there in the first place. 

Anyway, you might be wondering where exactly the song comes in here. Last I checked in here I was still pathetically clinging to Vic. Yeah, I admit it. It was pathetic, but honestly it was because I felt like he was the only person who really gave a damn about me. I was wrong obviously, I have two great friends back at mom's who keep in contact with me. 

One of them actually re-named me Scribbles. I still have no clue why... It's not like I draw or scribble a lot... Eh whatever.

And the watch from the last post? It goes with everything else from my old life that make me smile and think of the good times. On my cluster-fuck of a bulletin board. 

See? Cluster fuck:

Back onto the topic of the song. I heard it today (on a Makorra Amv. God I fucking love The Legend of Korra) and had flashbacks to Thursday. Let's flashback together shall we? :D

God, I'm a failure. I fucked up so bad. I can't believe I almost got squished by that damn collum... Purdy's gonna end up replacing me anyway... I can't do anything right. I thought to myself as I went to leave. I just wanted to go home, to forget about all of this. I wanted release. And my nails weren't sharp enough, not anymore anyway. 

I walked out into the alcove that led to the hallway that led outside and to the lobby. My eyes instinctively darted around for something sharp. Sharp, please, something sharp. I need it.  I could feel myself shaking, I could feel the tears still there from my earlier humiliation and self-loathing and the new ones forming. 

I knew, in the back of my mind, that I must look horribly insane with my darting, red eyes and twitchy nature.

"Tori, are you okay?" He looks at me concernedly. He's holding his costumes and wearing normal clothes. Black and white v neck striped shirt, his tan jacket that looks well-worn, and blue jeans. 

I freeze and look at him, startled. I had barley noticed that he was there. I open my mouth to answer him, to tell him that I'm fine, just stressed. Nothing comes out but a choked sob and more tears. I grab the sleeves of my black shirt and crush my green hoodie in my arms. I try to speak again but the same thing happens. 

He drops his costumes and embraces me. I sob into his shirt. I'm embarrassed. I'm humiliated. I'm shattered. 

"Come on, let's move out of the middle," he tells me and guides me to the wall near the doors where the air-unit is. 

I tell him haltingly how big of a failure I was tonight, how I can't do anything right, and how I'm just going to ask Purdy to replace me as a stage-hand. 

"It's always like this," I laughed humorlessly at one point, "I always fuck up. I thought that everything would be better once I moved," My voice cracked and the tears started up again, "I thought that... Maybe I wouldn't feel like this anymore..."

He drew me closer to him and wrapped his arm around me, and I cried into his shoulder. And then I told him everything. About my mom and how she it me and about my cutting. He held me closer to him and stroked my hair while I cried. I'm pretty sure he kissed my forehead at one point.

"You think you're ready to go yet?" he asked me after I had calmed down a little. I shook my head "no," I didn't want to leave yet. I felt safe and warm here.

"I'll stay here as long as you need me to," he told me.

Forever please? I thought as I clung to him.

"Thank you," I mumbled into his shoulder, "No one has done this for me... In such a long time." I held him tightly, he was the only thing keeping me grounded right then.

He didn't say anything, he just held me tighter again and calmed me down like before. 

"Okay, I think I'm ready to go now." I took a deep breath and wiped my face with my sleeve. "You know what? I'm gonna go home and binge on some fucking chocolate and to go sleep." I laughed, a little unstably, and chucked my water-bottle into the trash-can.

"That sounds good," he chuckled. "Com'ere." He held his arms out and I hugged him. 

"Thank you," I said again when we broke apart from the hug. I looked up into his eyes, noticing that they were brown.  

"Anytime," He smiled down at me. His hands were still on my shoulders and mine were still on his waist, "And do me a favour?"

"Sure...?" I trailed off, wondering what the hell kind of favour he could ask of someone who had just spilled their guts and had a breakdown.

"Smile tomorrow. You look prettier when you do." He smiled down at me and I gave him a shaky one before hugging him tightly. 

When I got home I sent him a text, thanking him again for saving me from myself. His reply was this: "If you need anything, I'll come running. Sleep tight"

That was the first night that I fell asleep with a smile on my face in a while.

As fate would have it, I got sick on Friday with a fever and nausea. I couldn't be a stage-hand that day so I didn't get to see him and smile for him. Saturday was the same, they had re-arranged the schedule so I could rest up. Both nights I made sure to text him to break a leg and that I knew he'd do great. And I went in to break set today. It was just me, him, our director[Purdy], and the conductor of the orchestra (also my orchestra teacher).

The first thing he did when he saw me was hug me. 

Obvious Q&A time:

Do I like him? As more than a friend?

Gee... You tell me. /sarcasm to the max

Does he like me back?

I hope so. He's kind of friend-zoned himself, but I'm pretty sure he'll come around. I mean, I met him barley a month ago. If he liked me as just a friend he wouldn't have done all that for me.... Right?

Well, that's all for tonight my lovlies. xD 

I'll try to update my personal more often, maybe when I update my Slender Blog.

I'm sure you guys (all, what, five of you? XD) will want to be kept posted about my love life. :P 

~Tori

Finally.

Things are starting to look up for once.
My mom finally signed the consent paper to give primary custody over to my dad.
This is a really good thing. Here at my moms? This is an all around bad place for me to be. I don't really wanna type all of this out because I hate typing blocks of text on my iPod. Or rather, iPod two. My first one died. Is me falling on some stairs. -__-
It's gonna be hard leaving everyone, but it needs to happen. Both my dad and I are afraid that if I stay here a prolonged period of time I might start cutting again to get some control in my life.
And it's not like I'm gonna forget everyone, I have momentous and stuff, like the playbills that we sign on closing night of the plays, my homecoming ticket, my Otakon badges from 2010 and 2011.
And this:

It's a pocket watch on a chain see?

It goes down to a few inches over my belly button. Aka. It's long.

Yes that is a happy bunny shirt. :3

The watch/ necklace something that Vic got me last Otakon. I have a fascination with pocket watches. I love them. I don't get why more people don't like them. They're awesome.
I asked for it back do I could have something to remember him by. I'm not going to let someone who was that important to me just fade away from my memory. He helped me so much, with so many things. Im not gonna let myself forget him.

Well that's all for tonight I guess.

When You Feel So Tired But You Can't Sleep....

I just have so much going on and I'm thinking about too much to be able to peacefully fall asleep....
I mean, A lot had happened this week. So bear with me, cause this is gonna be one long post.

First off, I'm hopelessly confused about everything. And I mean everything.
I was supposed to be moving up to my dad's house sometime in the next few weeks but my mother (going back on her word) refuses to sign the papers.
I have no clue when I'm moving now, so I'm not going to be in the musical which I really had my heart set on doing... it would've been my first musical with my Drama Family...

I fell down concrete stairs yesterday because my foot went out from under me -__- My ass is probably bruised on the right side and I have some small abrasions on the back of my ankle. And my whole right leg is sore as fuck.

I also want to be friends with Vic again. I still trust him, hell I'd trust him with my life. I know him, and I know he's as trustworthy as anyone can be today. I mean, he's the only person in this world who has physically been there to stop me from cutting. He's seen me at my best, my worst, and my most vulnerable in every sense of the word. He knows how I get, and how to deal with me when everyone else is clueless. He knows the fragility that I hid behind a mask, and he knows what I have to deal with at home and what an impact it has on me. There were days when I swore he knew me better than I knew me.

How can I not trust someone who knows me inside and out?
And how can I not want to trust someone I know so well, and that I care about?
How can I not talk to someone who was a huge part of my life for a long time?
How can I not want to have some sort of connection, no matter how small, so someone like that?

You came and you took this heart and set it free

Dear god I haven't touched this thing for a month or so O.o

And believe you me, there's has been stuff happening in my real life, I just haven't wanted to talk about it that much on here.

So I have a new boyfriend. We've only been going out since the 26th but I feel like it's already been months. He's just been so up front and honest with me. It's mind boggling. But I think that's my favorite thing about him. Not that many people have been that honest with me. He literally told me his deepest secret. (I'm not putting it up here obviously).

He gave me a ring today. I was so excited. It's meant to be an engagement ring, but I'm treating it as a promies ring until I'm eighteen. I'm not completely sure that we will get married though. I'm moving up to my dads house (yes the one I made reference to in the slenderblog xD) on the 18th. I told him that if he can deal with the distance and me not seeing him a lot then I will gladly marry him.

And honestly? I don't think is want to be with anyone else, because I haven't met anyone so honest in my entire life.

I'll edit this and put the picture of us and the ring on here later.

Right now I want to either take a nap or go outside. It's frigging 68 degrees outside. Maryland weather, y u so bipolar?

Edit:

Here's the ring:

And here's us.

RANDOM: I actually wore my hair up most of today :P